Everyday life is filled with a variety of physical tasks (e.g., doing the dishes and laundry, making meals, cleaning the home, etc.) that are often shared between partners. These physical tasks are tangible and can generally be split up based on preference, time, and importance to each person. 

In addition to physical tasks, our lives are filled with invisible, often less tangible, responsibilities that can be broken up into either cognitive labor or emotional labor.

Cognitive labor refers to tasks that include planning, doing research, and making decisions. For example, making doctor appointments, handling the financial budget, or planning out children’s schedules. 

Emotional labor is related to managing our own and other’s emotions. For example, a parent who is taking on the task of scheduling an activity for their child is putting in cognitive labor, while the parent who is thinking about how the child would feel about the task is taking on the emotional labor. 

Mental load is the place where cognitive and emotional labor intersect. 

Mental Load 

There are several ways that recognizing and managing mental load can be challenging for both individuals and couples. First, as the nature of mental load is that it’s invisible, many times people don’t recognize the impact that carrying a heavy mental load is having on their own wellbeing and/or on their relationship. One person may just be the more organized in the relationship, so they naturally take over all the planning and logistics. This person may also be considering how the other person (or the whole family) would feel about the decisions they are making. When the responsibility of being the “manager” for the family falls heavily on one person, it can lead to chronic stress, burnout, and anger and/or resentment toward their partner.

Second, the tasks included in mental load are never “complete.” Mental load is often related to taking care of the most important things in one’s life, including relationships, households, and/or family. These are ongoing priorities related to the areas of our life that we value the most. Showing up as a partner or parent isn’t something that we turn on or off, it is ongoing and always present.

Third, there are no boundaries when it comes to mental load. This means that this load is carried whether we are at home, at work, with friends, on vacation, etc.. When someone is carrying a heavy mental load, that load is carried with them continuously.

Many of us have some level of mental load that we carry in our lives, and this is a normal aspect of being a human, partner, parent, etc. This issue lies when one person carries a disproportionate amount of shared responsibilities within a relationship and/or family. 

Gender Differences

Research has consistently found differences between how mental load differs between men and women in heterosexual relationships. Unfortunately, research thus far has considered gender identities, sexual orientations, and relationship types quite narrowly. Therefore, for the purposes of this discussion, the examples and cited research refer to heterosexual relationships between female-identified and male-identified partners. However, we recognize there are many different types of relationships and gender identities exist and that the issues noted here are not unique to cisgender, heterosexual couples. 

For example, in a 2025 study, researchers found that mothers report 67% more household management than fathers. The study found that the greatest gaps in tasks related to scheduling, managing relationships, and food planning—all aspects of cognitive labor. 

Another study, published in 2024, found that women spend twice as much time on average on childcare and household work. Women also have an average of 13% less free time than men. These numbers point to the fact that women tend to carry more responsibility, while also having less time to take care of themselves in the process. 

So, why does this discrepancy exist?

One of the primary reasons (and unfortunately one that we don’t have control over) is the result of perpetuating gender stereotypes in our society. For example, the belief that women are naturally better caregivers than men, or that women are better at organizing and multitasking, therefore making them more equipped to manage the many physical and mental demands in a household. Ongoing research has continued to conclude that these assumptions are socially learned and not determined by biological differences, meaning that men are as adept as women in caregiving and managing the mental load of the family and home. 

Even if you grew up in a household where it felt as though your parents shared an equal load of responsibility, the messages around what is “expected” by each gender is present in so many facets of our society. Think of the media you consumed as a kid. How were different genders portrayed? What were the roles that women specifically had within families or in society generally? Messaging that women are passive, primarily in the home, and dependent on men is pervasive in many subtle (or not so subtle) ways throughout our society. In contrast, men are often portrayed as focused solely on work, often not present in the home, and having limited emotional expression. 

As a result of the messaging that we grow up hearing and internalizing, many of us fall into patterns consistent with gender stereotypes without even realizing it. A woman may naturally take on the bulk of childcare responsibilities because that’s what she saw her own mother doing growing up. A male counterpart, with his own background and internalized biases, may then not engage with childcare decisions and responsibilities, and this cycle is reinforced. 

 Common Challenges in Relationships

Carrying a disproportionate amount of the mental load can cause challenges in a relationship on several levels. One common outcome is that the person carrying a heavier load (and we know this is more likely to be women) can build resentment for their partner. This may happen subtly and over time, so things can reach a “tipping point” before either partner realizes that this has been happening. 

To add to this, women often report difficulty determining how to navigate their feelings of frustration. They don’t want their partner to think they are “annoying,” or they rationalize the current dynamic and don’t feel that they should put more on their partner, so they just resign themselves to the fact that this is their role. 

For women that do bring up their feelings to their partner, a common response is often something along the lines of, “I want to help, just tell me what to do.” While seemingly helpful on the surface, this type of response does not actually help divide mental load. Yes, someone is saying that they will help with tasks, but the mental load is still on the other partner. They are still in charge of keeping track of all of these invisible tasks, and are simply delegating to their partner. This feels like an unsatisfying response to many women for that reason—it doesn’t actually take any of the load off of their plate, and some actually feels like it adds more work, as now they have to both determine what needs to be done and what can be handed off to their partner. In these situations, many women simply decide to handle things themselves, noting it’s easier and quicker than giving a task to their partner and waiting for them to complete it.

While having one partner as the “project manager” of a relationship is not a solution to this issue, another factor that is sometimes at play in these dynamics is challenges with control. The person who is used to carrying the mental load may truly want their partner to share more equally in the cognitive and emotional labor. However, it may be difficult for them to give up some of the control they have over the task. For example, imagine one person has always been in charge of signing their kids up for sports every year by the appropriate deadlines and, in sharing feelings of overwhelm with their partner, it’s decided that the other partner will take over this responsibility. The person who has always handled this task may struggle to totally let go of the responsibility, maybe checking with their partner about whether or not they’ve completed the sign-up, or even jumping in and doing it themselves if their partner is doing things on a timeline that the other person isn’t happy with.

In this type of scenario, despite both partner’s best efforts, the mental load continues to be held by the initial partner because they are unable to let go of the control that they’ve had over this task. In order to fully share in the mental load, both partners need to have trust in one another and the things that each person is holding. This is a process that partners may need to work on both individually and together. 

Promoting Equity in Society and in the Home

Gender stereotypes are a pervasive issue in our society and directly contribute to inequity within many households. While we cannot directly change the larger systems to perpetuate harmful biases, there are things that we can do on an individual level to challenge stereotypes where we see them in our communities and relationships. 

1. Catch assumptions. If you notice either yourself or others making assumptions about roles, particularly regarding whose role it is to care-give, manage responsibilities, and make plans, catch and question the assumption. Where does this come from? Is this based on fact or on internalized gender stereotypes?
   
   
2. Remove gendered roles in parenting. If you’re a parent, encourage boys to learn care and household skills early. Notice areas where your own internalized biases may impact the way you parent boys vs. girls, and challenge these.
   
   
3. Advocate. Women who work full-time jobs continue to experience the bulk of the mental load in the home. Many workplace policies are rigid and are not designed to support women, particularly those with children. If you notice inequity or unfair workplace policies, speak up and promote change.

Additionally, if you are finding yourself frustrated and overwhelmed by the burden you carry in your relationship (or your partner has communicated that they feel this way), below are some ways to approach the issue:

1. Speak up. If you find yourself feeling frustrated, but don’t want to bring up your feelings to your partner, remember that the situation is not going to change unless you communicate. Your partner may have no idea that you are feeling this way, and will likely want to come to a solution together. Maybe set a time to continue checking in with each other to create an open space for continued conversations about this issue.
   
   
2. Make the invisible work visible. Talk openly about what needs to be done day-to-day, including everything that goes into different tasks. Putting this all on the table allows both partners to have a better understanding of what each person is holding and to begin considering how to split things up evenly.
   
   
3. Discuss expectations. Everyone has different priorities in the home. Some people like the dishes to be completely done every day, while other people may be fine with some dishes in the sink but not like laundry laying around. Talk with each other about what’s most important to you and use this as a guide on how to split up tasks. Manage realistic expectations for one another and assign responsibility around what is most important for each person.
   
   
4. Consider the role of control. If you typically carry the bulk of the mental load, consider how you feel about giving some of this away to your partner. Does the idea make you feel anxious? Do you feel that your partner won’t be able to handle it? It will be hard to make movement in this area if you are unwilling or unable to share in the burden.
   
   
5. Seek therapy. If you are struggling with issues in your relationship, including challenges with control and general overwhelm, therapy at a practice like Aviva Psychology Services can be a great place to start. The psychologists at Aviva can offer space to discuss challenges, challenge bias, work on ways to manage stress, and develop tangible strategies to work with your partner around ongoing issues. Aviva additionally offers several providers who specialize in women’s issues specifically. If you are interested in becoming a client you can fill out the Request an Appointment form. 

Selected References and Recommended Reading 

Dean, L., Churchill, B., & Ruppanner, L. (2021). The mental load: Building a deeper theoretical understanding of how cognitive and emotional labor overload women and mothers. Community, Work & Family 25(1), 13-29.  https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2021.2002813

Gender Equity Policy Institute (2024). The free-time gender gap: How unpaid care and household labor reinforces women’s inequality. https://thegepi.org/free-time-gender-gap/

Mangino, K. (2025). The difference between mental load and emotional labor: Defining the parts and pieces that make up home life. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/equal-partners/202508/the-difference-between-mental-load-and-emotional-labor

Rodsky, E. (2021). Fair Play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). G.P. Putnam’s Sons

Thebaud, S., Kornrich, S., & Ruppanner, L. (2019). Good housekeeping, great expectations: Gender and housework norms. Sociological Methods & Research, 50(3). https://doi.org/10.1177/004912411985239

UN Women (2026). Why are women so exhausted? Care work and the mental load: The invisible labour keeping families, workplaces, and societies running - and what we can do about caregiver burnout. https://www.unwomen.org/en/articles/explainer/why-are-women-so-exhausted-care-work-and-the-mental-load

Weeks, A.C., Kowalewska, H, & Ruppanner, L. (2025). Take a load off? Not for mothers: Gender, cognitive labor, and the limits of time and money. Socius: Sociological Research for a Dynamic World, 11. https://doi.org/10.1177/23780231251384527